I’m on a “get healthy” kick which includes clean eating, working with a nutritionist, and working out regularly. I’m feeling good about myself and how I look. All that came to a grinding halt last week. It wasn’t because I was injured and couldn’t work out, or that I gave in to my insatiable and insane craving for bread and cookies. What happened was I took a trip to California.
It all started innocently enough on the plane ride out where it was obvious that most were going home to CA. Their luggage matched. They had travelling shawls and hydrating facial mist. They carried salads. Those of us hailing from the Garden State were dressed mostly in the latest trend from Marshall’s. Our luggage had duct tape. We carried donuts and coffee. The women next to me had 6 donuts which she happily handed out to everyone around her. Jersey, baby. We share.
Upon arriving it seemed like every woman my age looked like she considered eating tofu a cheat day. Skin so tight you could bounce a tennis ball off their cheeks, strange plumped lip lines, hair extensions, and huge enhancements up front. So much upkeep would be exhausting I told myself, trying to erase the fact that my right thigh was as big as their entire torso. From the back, they looked 18. From the front, they looked 58 trying to look 18. Jersey, baby. We look the same front and back.
Sitting around the pool was a 65-year-old guy in a speedo chatting up 2 twenty-somethings with double D’s. But he only spoke to them AFTER he finished with a few push-ups. I felt like Shamu and I’m the thinnest I’ve been in years. The women around the pool…they didn’t get wet. I put my hair in a bun, put on my goggles, set some gangsta rap on my water iPod, and swam laps. Jersey, baby. We get in the pool.
I texted my sister describing the scene. She reminds me I can out swim them, out arm wrestle them, out shop them and out drink them. Which pretty much describes all my Jersey girls. My husband came to the pool, looked at the 20-somethings and started doing push-ups. Just kidding. Jersey, baby. Husbands only have eyes for us – if they want to live.
Then there was dining out. Every waiter when taking my order asked if I wanted the gluten-free option. Was he also asking the starving vegan sitting at the table next to me if she wanted the gluten-free option? Or just asking me, the fat sista from New Jersey? Finally, I said, “Look…go to the kitchen. Find some Italian bread, and bring me the entire loaf.” Jersey, baby. We eat.
On the positive side the weather was glorious. Even in winter, Californians hike mountains with the dazzling scent of eucalyptus and gaze at breathtaking vistas. Conversely, even in winter, New Jerseyans hike on a treadmill with the scent of that person next to us hiking on their treadmill, while gazing at the parking lot. It’s spectacularly sunny in California and everything is in full bloom. Who wouldn’t want to live on the west coast.
I often wondered why my grandfather Angelo, made Newark, NJ his home. Why, upon arriving Ellis Island from Italy didn’t he head to California where he could have pursued his passion for growing vegetables, fig trees, and flowers all year-round. The reason? He had extended Italian family in Newark. Jersey, baby. It’s never about the weather, but always about the family.
I suppose that’s why I still proudly hail from The Garden State. When my husband retired, he wanted to know, and I quote, “Why are we living here when we can live anywhere?”
Because in New Jersey what you see is what you get. Because we dive into the pool and swim in the ocean worrying about our hair and make-up later. Because we like to eat healthy but we like spaghetti and meatballs too. Because we have that famous NJ humor which allows me to remain calm while the women sitting next to me spritzes her face with hydrating mist, thereby spritzing my ear.
Jersey, baby. So many reasons to live here.
To my California friends and relatives…forgive me. To my girlfriends and sister, you will probably see many of your comments in this article. Thank you. xo
Great Tracy. I loved it. I find whenever I g visit CA to see Doreen. I look around & feel very inferior!!!! And fat!!!!!!
Hysterical! Garden State over the Golden State. Amen
LOL and Yes, you can take the girl out of Jersey, but you’ll never take the “Jersey”out of this girl!
Hilarious! Swap out the donuts for bagels and that’s me 🙂
OK, Tracy. We don’t want your kind of competition on our beloved humorwriters.org. You are really funny. Having been born in L.A. and having lived in New York for 8 years, I can vouch for all you say.
“Their luggage matched,” says it all. I learned to come out of “pretend” in New York and started seeing some value in my less-than-perfect self. New Yorkers will give you their shirt as long as you
take their advice with it. But one does feel loved even as they are cussing you out.
Just wanted to tell you cut it out – I want to be the funniest.
I was so nervous when I saw a comment I had to approve…so sure it would be full of west coast vitriol! YOU MADE MY DAY! Thank you for taking the time to write. Plenty of room for all us funny gals!
This is great Tracey! I’m in the right place here in Jersey!